Have you ever stopped to think about what sleeping like a baby means? Well let me enlighten you..
It means waking up every half to one hour for one of three things:
Feeding a baby, changing his nappies or burping him..

I am frustrated.. deprived of precious sleep.. I’ve got all sorts of back aches.. I am losing my sanity.. and I can’t take it anymore..

I am emotionally a wreck. This has been a terrible week as my mood has been fluctuating again. Depression is getting to the very best of me and I’ve been crying so much for reasons I still don’t understand.
How can something that makes you so happy make you so sad? I wonder.
I’ve been warned that this might happen and as usual it’s different when it actually does happen.

I look at him and think “what have I done?”- it’s not a fault of his own. It’s not a fault at all. I just don’t’ know why I am doing this to him and to myself.
It’s probably cuz I need help. I decided once to get a nanny and after several discussions here that thought was thrown out the window. I’ve got a maid at home but I just can’t stand the thought of her even touching him. I’ve been feeling the same way about members of my family. Whenever they offer help I just refuse it nicely. I am in so much need of an extra helping hand and yet I am contradicting myself by saying no. THIS ISN’T NORMAL!
The thing is he’s so tiny and small- he’s fragile.

The other big issue that’s really been putting me down is his feedings. Sometimes I feel he’s not getting enough cuz he wakes up hungry all the time. Some tell me that he’s supposed to feed for at least 30 mins each time but he only feeds for 15 to 20 max and then gets tired. Thus explaining the frequent wake ups. My mom keeps annoying me by trying to get him a bottle feed which I am totally against. I mean it’s too early and I know- I know deep inside that I can feed him myself with a supplement.
I called up the lactation consultant down at the hospital to ask about his feedings and she said the only way we can tell he’s feeding properly is by taking his weight and comparing it to when he was born. I need to wait for another week for that. Bu Ahmed keeps comforting me by saying he’s probably getting enough from me and that Ahmed won’t starve to death.
I just can’t stand it when people visit and go like “are you sure your feeding him enough?” like hello why would I want to starve my own child!

I also got him circumcised this morning- what a terrifying experience. They took him away and he was in such a peaceful mood- I could hear him scream his lungs out in just a few minutes and he went on and on for what seemed like eternity. I couldn't help it and started crying myself. They got him back to me for a feed and he looked so red- I felt so sorry for him. I couldn’t feed him right then. The doctor kept saying nice things for me to calm down. I’ve been told he’ll suffer for a few days. He’s been crying non-stop since I got him back. I wanted to get circumcised earlier but the person who’s an expert in circumcision was away. He supposedly circumcised almost three quarters of Abu Dhabi. He’s using the old style which I have no idea what that means. To be quite honest I don’t even want to know. Inshalla it’ll pass with the least pain. Pray for him.

I know you’re probably thinking uaeyah has gone nuts. Well I am thinking the same thing. Even when I am sleeping I just wake up to Ahmed’s voice crying and when I rush to him he’s sleeping soundly. I keep hearing his screams even when I am sleeping. I am hallucinating.

I wish it gets easier. He’ll be 3 weeks old inshalla by tomorrow. It feels like 3 months already. I just want to get over this depressing mood! I am never like this. Motherhood is not an easy job believe me. I am trying my best to be good at it. I just hope I am.

But you know something… with all these complains and whines- I still think it’s all worth it.. I just saw him smile while sleeping.. God that’s priceless..
They’re moments like this when I gain my strength back- partially at least. Moments when he curls his fingers around one of mine.. or sleeps soundly on my chest like there is no other safe place on earth, and other moments when he just calms down to my voice.. or gazes in my face like he’s gazing in infinity..
Moments like this make it all worthwhile..

Special thoughts

Libellula if it makes any difference.. I just wanted you to know that I am very proud of you. You’re one of my favourite nieces. Don’t worry- things will be just fine.
4eva & Daisy Thank you for your beautiful email. I will have you in my thoughts and prayers. I will reply to both of you once I am done with this entry- pwomith!
Damirage: Thank you so much for dedicating a beautiful entry for Ahmed and me. Kisses.
Devil Cat, AD & Garmoosha *hugs* for everything. I always keep reading your emails & comments to keep me hanging in there and to remind myself that I am not alone.
Peachy, Meyam & Candy just the thought of you makes me smile. I can’t wait for you to hold him. Until we meet again..
Veiled for being the beautiful person you are. I miss you loads.
el-79 and Amaamyfor your continuous love and kindness even when you’re supposed to be on holidays.
Ananyah *hugs*- thank you for the beautiful e-Card. I can’t wait for you to be a mother too. All the best.
Al Wasl Girl, Devilish, Maithooh, DXB Girl, Dubai’s Girl, & Miracle for being such sweethearts! You’re the best e-Gang that I’ve come across =)
Kitty Witty, Samsoomah & banoota I am still waiting for you guys to visit your little dude..
Sweet Al, a day dreamer, Violet, Everlasting Dream, Butterflee, MestansA, Pureen, Emaratioryx, Natasha, UAE Girl, Karamilah, Majed, Rozy, UAE Touch, Paradise, Sugar, Pearly, melody, meme, e3ashig, eNory, Shaikha, delmara, SHMILY, Dragon, Latin Eyes, mn~Dubai, Sara, ElReem, Pinky, Salma, Breathtaking, Heavenli, Sham3ah, Musk, Latin Eyes, bint, el blad, Sara D’amore, Doodeh, Tortured Lady, Katkoota, Precious Moi, Precious, Surrealist, lulu, Nm, Bedwayah, Fa6amy, Crstalah: thank you thank you thank you thank you for making me and Ahmed feel so special.. I hope I didn’t leave out anyone and if I have- forgive me. totally un-intentional.

Re-reading it- a great book!

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At last.. I’ve got a chance to actually type something out here..
I missed you all so very much.. thank you first and foremost for everything.. your prayers kept me hanging in there..
I can’t take long- I just put Ahmed to sleep but I know he’ll wake up any minute now..

Okay as you remember I went to the hospital on Saturday morning at 8 with Homer (I should start calling him Bu Ahmed from now on)... I’ve had contractions all night before that and when I got there I was really tired but that’s when it all begins.. I was so far away from delivery..
To spare you the details- my labour took about 45 hours! Can you believe it?? no one.. and I mean it no one can prepare you for it. No matter what they tell you- No matter how they warn you, being there and doing it is a totally different story.
I knew it was going to be painful- but not thaaaaaat painful. I was induced 6 times trying to get the contractions to be strong enough to have the baby pop out but in vain. Nothing worked! When they were about to lose hope they sent me to the delivery room at 7 pm on Sunday- I was so tired, vomiting all day on Saturday and Sunday, I lost all my energy by the time I got to the delivery room. By 11 pm I fainted! Yes- I passed out for 5 and half hours. I just couldn’t do it. I actually thought I was going to die. I prayed so hard before that to have a normal delivery and thank God I did.
At 4, just at fajr prayers I gained my energy again. I guess seeing my mom , cousin and hubby gave me extra strength.
Bu Ahmed held my hand just when I started the last pushes. I remember crying so hard and just when I heard Ahmed scream I cried more and laughed at the same time- I can’t explain it. The second they put him on my chest he stopped crying! I can’t believe I have tears pouring right this second as I am writing this. God it’s such a blessing. It’s a miracle. Just like that- I swear the pain went away. I totally forgot how I felt a few seconds before it. It’s just unbelievable.
I will never do it justice if I even try explaining what took place. It’s beyond words.

My little angel is out in the world. weighing 3 kilos and 90 grams. He’s tiny! But beautiful. He looks like his daddy. Totally! He probably just inherited my fingers =) My friends keep telling me that babies change like 7 times. So he’ll look different every month or so till he settles down. I so wanted him to have my eyes! Aaaah we’ll see.

Left the delivery room to another beautiful sight- all my brothers sitting on the hospital floor waiting! LOL maaaaan they waited for so long. They’re all first time uncles to their only sister. So I guess it’s special. Ahmed is also the first grandson to both my family and my hubby’s.

Pause- Ahmed crying again! BRB.
Back- changed his nappy, fed him, and thank God he burped.

So I was saying..
Remember when I said I might feel silly reading out nicknames? Ooh well I kinda did. I mean not me. but whoever was around and saw my lil pink book thought I was nuts. I mean I was reading names and striking them off. When the contractions got really really painful I remember praying for my baby to be a good son. I kept repeating that over and over again.

God I’ve got so many things to say. It’ll probably take me awhile before I can even keep you updated with what took place in the past 12 days.

Again thank you all for all your sweetness. It really means a lot. I missed you so much.

I need to go sleep now. I’m kinda tired grabbing every chance to sleep right now. I will update you soon. I’m leaving you with some pics.

Kisses and hugs from me and Ahmed.

Edited: Ahmed Pics Removed. Sorry guys. Since I put the pics up and it's been impossible to let him down to sleep. I will post them up again after he completes 40 days. He's been unbelievably fussy and I think it's better for him. 3an el 3ain wel 7asad. Please don't misunderstand. My mom got really angry when she checked my site and saw his pics. I got this looooooooooooooong lecture about it.

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